Mind the Gap

Every day I travel just a measily ten miles to work and back yet this may take me sometimes up to two hours each way...And that's rank!

Most days the annoying banal robotic voice comes over the tannoy to tell us how sorry it is my train has been delayed - or worse still, cancelled. Until moving to London, I never knew that robots could be so informative, your train is late due to "a fault with a preceding train", "signalling problems" or "someone has vomited on my lap". If anyone has ever read the book The Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams you will know that Marvin the paranoid android was given GPP - Genuine People's Personality. Well I think that the same should be done with both the male and femaile robotic voices on our transport infrastructure. If all is going well with the London Underground then there should be a party fanfare with whistles, bells and a merrily drunk sounding robot slurring their words. If its bad news then maybe the sound of a single bell tolling on a cold winters morning, a crow caws and the robot starts to mumble.................Hmmmmm then again, maybe not. Although I do find it amusing how the robots on the train tell us that we are next pulling into whatever station, as though it is also a traveller too making their own way to work every day.

Many times I wonder why the train operators only use such short carriages. I don't mean the actual length of the carriage is in minature, more along the lines that there are never enough carriages for the volume of people per train. I think I heard once that it was something to do with carriage length V platform length ratio, and that some platforms are simply not long enough to accommodate all carriages on a single train. Now this argument would make sense were it not for the fact that all carriages are interlinking and you can quite safely walk from one to another without requiring to undertake a risk assessment or method of operation first. So even if a certain platform is too short, you can still board safely and walk through, thus ensuring you get a seat and are not as it currently applies, get yourself wedged under the over large smelly armpit of the man standing next to you with his hand on the upper rail steadying himself as the train moves along. Yuk Yuk!

There are said to be around eight million people that live in London and the surrounding areas, of which around one million travel to the city every day by train. At Waterloo station alone there are 16 platforms and at the height of rushour a new train will arrive and leave every couple of minutes. A typical eight car train is meant to hold around one hundred passengers seated per car. Multiply that by eight and you have eight hundred people. However, for those who have ever been to the busiest station in the country - Clapham on a rushour weekday morning, you will know that this is never the case. Without knowing actual figures I have regularly seen around 1500 people disembark by falling out of the doors as the train stops at Waterloo. If the elf and safety bods would ever allow it then I'm sure that Japanese style packers would be stood on the platforms to cram yet another helpless soul onto another square centimetre of space so they too can join in the robotic chorus, followed quickly by, "Mind the Gap".

Then, as if this was not enough comes the worse part.........someone does a silent fart!

Coughs, sneezes, crowds, invasion of personal space and rising fares are all things that the daily commuter has to put up with, and yet they do it day in day out with very little comment. Most people like myself will bury themselves in a free daily newspaper or book, some will either just sit and look out of the window and stare, some will fall asleep, or pretend to be asleep whilst others play annoying tinny sounding music through their personal headphones. Many thanks mate but if I wanted to listed to the greatest hits of the Goombay Dance Band then I would have bought their Christmas Album when it first came out - although for those of you however who may be interested, you can buy it here http://www.amazon.co.uk/Christmas-Album-Goombay-Dance-Band/dp/B0006J1QKI

There is however a more serious side to all of this. Around 200 deaths a year are caused by people wishing to take their own lives by stepping out in front of a moving train whether it is by overland or underground. Whilst I have never personally whitnessed such an incident, I have been caught up in the delays of the aftermath and the views of some of my fellow commuters I have to say is appalling. As far as they are concerned they have been put out for an hour or so from making their way home and loudly voice their opinions about it. Big Deal! As far as I am concerned, someone has found themselves in such a position that the only exit they could see out of their life, is death, and to do it quickly and as painless as possible by going uder the wheels of a train travelling at sixty miles an hour. As mentioned at the top of this blog, I live ten miles from work and if I have to walk the entire journey home one night due to severe disruptions as a result of a suicide then so be it because at the end of the day I arrive back to a loving partner with open arms and food on the table. And just to point out - yes, I have done it.

On a more lighter note some of the other things you see on your daily travels are tourists. London's full of them. They stop to take pictures of landmarks, they stop to take pictures of people, they stop to take pictures of anything. The worse thing out of all of this is that they usually seem to stop right in front of you, and that can sometimes cause a human pile up. Especially when they try and get their luggage through the barriers at a train station which automatically close once a person et sans luggage has gone through. This invariably results in a trapped suitcase and ear piercing whine from the barrier as it screams at you as if to say to bugger off from my doors.

Often, you will see someone with a map and a cofused look on their face, hell I've even done it myself - in fact when I first moved here I didn't even know what an Oyster card was. Now however, I sometimes feel as though I should wear a badge and peaked cap with the words Tourist Information emblazoned on the top as I get asked so many times how do I get to.... Or, which bus shall I catch? Sometimes my answer of "a red one" causes even greater confusion but then I usually relent and show them where to go.

With the London 2012 Olympics rapidly approaching one question that is on many peoples lips around the capital is how are they going to get from A to B without running into problems of over crowded tubes, buses and trains. The ones running the show assure us that plans are in place to avoid hotspots throughout the duration but I have to say personally that I'm a bit sceptical about it all. Already there are large portions of overcrowding on some routes around the capital and I think its just going to get worse before it gets better. I know that for the benefit of the country, having the Olympics here is quite a feat which should help boost the economy, promote good health, wellbeing and friends amongst nations. After all, the money that is being ploughed into the event it is hoped that we should get a good return for our investment. But from a travel perspective, well we are just going to have to see, only time will tell.

Wingwalker.

Adventurers wanted

Wanted! Adventurous couple to join us on a two week holiday around October / November time to drive from London up to the Arctic Circle and back. The aim of the trip is to hopefully see the Auora Borealis  (Northern Lights) whilst having a winter wonderland snow filled driving road trip along the way.

We are looking for someone to help share the costs of this trip which will include 4x4 vehicle hire, food, accommodation and any other expenses inbetween. The ideal couple should have at least five years driving experience each including off road 4x4 driving, be experienced in travelling abroad, have the ability to be resourceful, don't mind all weathers and most of all, have a great sense of humour.

If this sounds like you then get in touch and lets have some fun.

Wingwalker.


Note: There will be no guarantee of seeing the Northern Lights when we get there at all but unless you try then you definately wont see anything. Nothing ventured, nothing gained :-)

Dogs V Cats

I hate cats! But lurve dogs :-)

So I've decided to do todays blog on the best and worst of both species and let you come up with what you think is best. With a little help from a couple of others I've come up with a compilation of both the pro's and cons of the cat versus the dog. I'm told that cats are supposedly independent, make good pest control, are affectionate (yea right, my arse - only when they actually want something) are easy to keep, clean and know when to stop eating when they are full.

However, the reality for me is that they have claws, are ignorant, selfish, totally unaffectionate, just want you for your food and as was pointed out to me last night - they like to sit on your head. Although I have to admit that last comment did come to the surface after whiskey had been consumed so I'm not actually sure if it counts??? Oh and did I say, they have claws too. Savagely they rip you apart with their monstrous talons ripping through your jeans as you try and keep them steady on your lap. As a man you have to be particularly careful otherwise you could get more than just your ears pierced. They can also hiss, they can spit and they can dribble.

Dogs however... are cute, lovable, reliable, enthusiastic, can be good hunters as well as good security guards. They can be trained in the art of search and rescue, they can beat crime by sniffing dope and getting legally high on behalf of the authorities and they can do good works by being an extra set of eyes to aid a blind person.

However, according to my dearly beloved - the cat lover, dogs smell, they are stupid and sit in womens handbags. Hardly an argument when the biased is so heavily one sided, but there you are. And just to prove my point, the extract below is from a well known Diary of a dog and cat, I think its wonderful and sums things up in a nutshell...

Dogs diary.

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
  9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
  9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
  1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
  3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
  5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
  7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
  8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


Cats diary.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

    There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

    Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

    I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ...

So, to summarise.....

Dogs rule, I win :-)

Wingwalker.

 

Snot

Love it or hate it we all have it. Earlier today I was challenged with the task of seeing if it was possible to find anyone who has made money out of the stuff as part of a little bet I have with someone. So, does anyone know any really good uses apart from flicking across the room at targets and has anyone ever seen a good commercial use for the mucus we affectionally call snot?

Wingwalker.

Bloody foreigners!

Bloody foreigners!

England has more than one boundary. Apart from the obvious of Ireland, Scotland and Wales there is also the additional inclusion of...The M25.

Every time I travel around the country I always feel as though whenever I cross over the M25 border I need to get out my passport to enter into another world, a world of anyone and everyone from outside of the UK. Now as I have stipulated in my introductory to the side of this blog I am fortunate enough to be well travelled and have been across most parts of the globe so I can hardly spout my mouth off when it comes to others visiting this country, when I have been doing it myself often enough the other way around.

The well known and far too often used phrase in this country is "Multiculturalism". We are a multi cultural society. In 1953 England opened up its doors to the outside world and said come on in, do our jobs, get paid a wage and live well. The masses heard our cry and came...in droves, taking the jobs and setting up shanty towns. Enoch Powell said at the time to the UK Government that there are now too many coming in and that all the foreigners will take over but he was shunned at the time and metaphorically shot down in flames.

Before moving to London I used to live in the New Forest not too far from the south coast. Englands green and pleasant land where the ponies and deer roam freely, the air is rich with wildlife, life is pleasant, relaxing and slower paced. The view of a person from outside of the UK other than on a mini break is rare and to have someone live next door even more so. But in London, when it comes to immigrancy, life is a whole world away and just simply could not be further. Interestingly enough a Spanish couple who I know that both live and work in London asked me a question which I found very difficult to answer. They said "why are there so many foreign people in London?" I found this to be an amusing paradox by someone who is residing here from another shoreline asking this type of question. They were viewing our country from the outside looking in and saw what appeared to be an alarming rise on non UK residents.

So why is there such a large volume of people from other shores coming here to live and work in the UK? To try and answer this question in part I was going to quote a few statistics from the UK Home Office website showing the number of visitors we had in 2011. However as always in these kind of cases nothing is ever straight forward when accessing a Government website and I was taken from one link to another with headings, sub headings, catagories and even more sub catagories with no straight forward answer. If you really want to see some figures then you can have a look for yourself here http://www.ukba.homeoffice.gov.uk/  

Now at this point I have to say that those who live outside the ringfence that is the M25 - in particular in this case The New Forest there is a quite typical view that these bloody foreigners are coming in, taking our jobs, living in our houses and generally taking over. They claim "asylum" when in reality life is actually quite alright for them back home but all they want is an easy ride, a free loader riding on the benefit gravy train that the UK so seemingly freely gives. However, whilst this does happen, we know it happens, I can now say that I've also seen things from the other side of the coin.

Within all parts of the UK there are people who have come here from foreign lands. London, Manchester, Glasgow and in-between you will see someone who's ancestory was not that of the pure thoroughbred which we call "Saxon British". Generations of individuals from the early 1950's onwards are now born, grow up, work, pay taxes, live their lives and die. They live in their own communities, have their own ways of expressing themselves, eat how they eat, drink how they drink, attend their own type of religious institutes and generally get on with things. The clashes however come to light when they try to instigate their own views with a narrow minded cynisism onto that of others, and since the birth of the internet 25 years ago, their views have expanded expotentially. And so the problems have grown.

Two days ago I was talking to a student from Estonia. He has come to the UK to study and improve his knowledge in his chosen career. We talked at length of comparisons between the two countries ranging from educational establishments through to money, careers and even who has the most evil serial killers (which sadly the UK won on this one - citing the likes of Myra Hindley and Ian Brady, Fred and Rose West and the biggest one of them all - Harold Shipman). However, he told me a story of a friend of his also from Estonia who is living and working over here as a waiter. Nothing unusual about that you might say until you hear that in Estonia this particular individual used to be a senior detective in the Police force!

For the waiting detective (see what I did there) you have got to ask yourself the question why would someone who is in such high authority, leave the country they grew up in and move en masse with their wife and child to go to another land so far away with no certainty of their future to end up working as a waiter? The answer is simple. Money and lifestyle. In the UK a waiter can take home their monthly wage as well as tips, and then depending on how their daily timescale works out, maybe even another part time job to fill in the gap between. And still they will be better off than that of the senior detective who will work all hours and slave away in the hope of catching their man for just a fraction of the wage. In this case, the detective really has come for a better life for he and his family.

And he is not on his own, tens of thousands of individuals are coming over to the UK for a better life than that of the one in their own country. And for any one of those who are willing to work hard, play hard, pay their taxes and contribute to British society then why not let them come in. Unfortunately the problem lies with the freeloaders that we know exist, and for those who are caught by the officials I say kick em back out again. For the narrow minded Brits all they will see is that all foreigners are the same and will tarr them with the same brush. Right or wrong, this will be one of those things that will carry on and on. Whilst the UK Government keeps handing out benefits in the form of money, houses and aid to the asylum claiming freeloaders then the world will keep on knocking at our door.

In my opinion we should stop the problem at its roots. Stop throwing cash into the endless bottomless pit that is a freeloader and come down hard on those who feel they can cheat the system. Show the world that actions like this will not be tolerated and let everyone know we are no longer a soft touch. Sadly, the ones that weild the power in this country often show signs of being spineless when it comes to instances like this. They play the political game of will you be my friend, hoping that if you scratch my back then I'll scratch yours. And whilst this continues the freeloading outsiders will just keep on coming.

Wingwalker.